Started writing some small summer blog
12.8.2024- Moving out! Another chapter Sitting currently in the car on my wya to my new apartment/or collective apartment because ill be living with bunch of other, new pepole that i havent yet met! I feel so exited and glad to get a material change as well!
I have not uptated much on here because it simply feels like i dont really need to, i mean, the last days of my summer holyday has been spent looking at nice cars (at a car convention), fishing salmon (got one!) and helping out at my familys farm- we got very late into cutting hay because of the bad weather. It has been great, i think i have done somehwat my best this summer, altho i have not been tackeling all my lists and lists of things i want to do yet- or little, i have started reading books to simply try them out like humbolts gift (has so sooo many references to other things!), the last empire, three men and a boat and benjamin franklins autoboigrahy. I found some sweet other writings that i wish to tackle as well like ways of seeing and gothic violence. My preferences in music has not changed much but i have listened to a lot of jazz musivs or music i simply would not have listened to, i like it, altho it becomes a bit tiering to listen to at times and i think i do enjoy to have some calm instrumentall jazz when i read or do something else. So yeah! I am ready to start living on my own and to get to controll my own, expserimentalist lifestyle!
i am very facinated with websites and well, it feels kinda wierd that i have barley updated this website at all for the whole summer, i mean, surley i would have snickered down a night to fix this up, right? but nope nope! instead now my mentality has shifted a bit compared to how it was when i originally made this, but nevertheless i still wish to try to developp this site, i just stumpeled on a little wall with the confusion to what backgrounds i should add, because now- it looks a bit messy and scrambeled.
ps: have i thus enjoyed this time and really chewed it? i feel unsure about it, soomewhat,, have I moved or not? i posted a new yt video, but sadly have not yet gotten any chance of putting some melodies up on neotehr yt nor spotify- witch i should actually perhaps hurry, im focused to now just post my nexst version of my old song on youtube and as my guitar teacher what he thiks of it and uptate him with the plans
???- uptateh i forgot to put on here lol
So, gonna move out soon, Just today I moved in the first things and got the key to my apartment. It’s kidna nice, I mean, for my standards it’s really nice: two windows, sweet small space and a pretty view. The best of course being that I’m gonna be living with other, new people as well.
I will pray go get friends and community here.
Anyhow, lately I’ve been away salmon fishing with my dad- he got a couple and I none..tsktsk, typical, I hope nexst time I will get some salmon as well. I cut a deal with some family that they wanted to buy some. And I wish to learn how a fish- especially salmon functions. Since salmons are the best fish of fish, the muscles of the sea. Leaning abt it seems pleasurable to know. Hm.
Of course, farm work ain’t gotten better, the rain has come at terrible times but hopefully tomorrow we’ll be able to get newly-cut hay inside I think.
Finally, personally I have fallen a little in the ditch; my dad likes having snacks all around when we were fishing, activity has been near 0 and thanks to unhealthy consumption pimples have started to appear (god I hate those fuckers). In any way, I don’t really feel awful about it, I know why I have acted this way and I want to change this around, I know how to change it as well: recently I’ve been having to sleep so so late and getting up early my sleep schedule is pretty messed up and thus i am more fatigued and I’d rather like to focus on my self but oh dman suddenly I have to drive 3 hours away and or go outside to go look for sheep that escaped. I don’t mind much looking like this, but I prefer very much not to look dead upon first meeting pepole.
Jazz has been getting my interest more and björk, whilst reading the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin has been nice while I was away.
09.07.2024- Stressed, Anxious Got a deal or whatever to make 3 songs to put on spotify and well, even though i still have old songs i have posted on my YT that i feel unsure about. So far ive made a fingerstyle and i want to use my olderst, best song but with some working ons that i wanna do to make it longer and more fluent. Some litteral WEEKS ago i started on a new one, have some...groundwork...but, dissapointingly kinda nothing so far, and i will argue to say its not that well that i spend so much energy and time on it with such small progress. Just today i noticed on my progressions the song felt wierd, unmoving, unjust. Yes it is a sign that i need to put that song or part off for a bit and cool of and put my attention on other things, perhaps i should make days where i play and not- well teh thing is that i dont have time for that(days) . Anyhow, im cooling off, need to and want to work on other things. Currently watching a movie im invested in, its working and im crying is i watch. Im wondering what or how to do stuff, because well, do stuff and build stuff. DO AND BUILD STUFF YEAH.
while i work i enjoy to try to think of things of come up with ideas, one idea i like is to perhaps make some photo/writing visua story thing on here, i want to fill it to the brim with things---
29.06.2024 - Free, tiered Worked six dys in a row and now ill finaly get one day free. I want rest and to focus on my mentality and countinue my buildings.. job takes up so much time- cant sit for sereval hours and concentrate on something.. i dont like that it stops a lot, ive been sleep deprived so i slept a little when i came home today... I finnished my first part on my youtube video, i havent been avle to do much guitar because of the time it takes, but i managed to get some perhaps good idea. I feel inspiered by how the band Totorro plays their guitar, oh the pretty layers! But thats a place where i struggle a bit
26.06.2024-Summer job
Started a new summer job at a grocery store in one of thoe disks that gives fresh salads, meat and fish. Its way lovelier than my last job at a mall. Even though, i dislike that it takes such a good chunk of my free time where i could've used to focus on building stuff. I have to get money anyways though, i dont know how to get solid cash in any better way at this moment and it can at least help me learn to be more efficient and keep some routine. Besides, too, my parents would be "proud".
I have to do stuff physically, but it dosent require much brain power and my mentality much. They can control my body but i can control my own mind. While working i can try to focus my thinking on different subjects, to learn to be more conscious off what i think about more, positive building and conscious engagement in my own mind. I have negatives or whatever about the work, but wait, oh hold on, i dont, really. I have the job and i have the days ill work and i will work trough it and when i dont work i will prioritize.
I have a different mentality when i work in the store vs when i shop things, its almost two diferent feelings and mentalities. its wonderful like that to engange in a different way.
Looking for a place to live when i begin school again, going to drive a while tomorrow after work to a nice building to visit, i look forward to sleep during the ride.
20.06.2024- SUMMER START TIME TO BLOG MY EXSPERIENCES
These last few days I’ve been pretty busy. But busy in the sense I am just hanging out with family. Went fishing with my dad, helped out my grandparents, moved to my mother and now I’m sitting on a car after helping someone move back home.
I want to actually do something now though. It’s summer holyday and I would like to take some time to do some hobbies and do new stuff- like binging some series or trying out many books or staying up all night and eating junk and doing such stuff even trying to meet a bunch of pepole and making a bedrock Minecraft server I want to make sure I will enjoy and really chew this time now.
Seemed like it has been a little tough, it doesn’t feel like I have air to think clearly and I can get frustrated and then I make bad decisions that affects.
Tomorrow I will hangout with an old friend of mine, perhaps I will move to Sweden for the weekend as well. I would like to do stuff that I will remember and do build something for myself. Small steps at a time, I am working on not going back into old habits and I find the notion of having a mind very curiously cool. Like oh bruh what the fuck I can decide stuff? I can decide how I will want to preceve this world? well yes! I want to change my views of all kinds of stuff- how’d I do that? Testing shit out ehe, and always writing down ideas.
I find the notion of how fantasy can in a way help you understand and appreciate reality more. When I get home it’s going to be late, but it’s not going to be too late: so I want to try out a new genre of reading: fantasy! I haven’t been reading anything really that has lifted my spirits.
15.06.2024- Busy and busy
I want to get better, i want to inprove, i want to learn and to expslerience way more and way a lot. I wonder where and how far i can take my own mind. How can one really mold their own brain? (wow another thing to try to write about). Ive been kinda busy latley irl and that kinda somewhat stops me from trying to do stuff, and oh god its even june. What should and do i want to really do? am i really doing anything? WHAT IS THERE TO BUILD MAN? i guess the most fundamental one can really build is ones own mind...but how should one do that when there is all these other things? Guess a thing im pretty big on is doing a lot of stuff but then somewhat feeling still stuck,, there is a lot to do and if you find yourself ever super duper terrible bored it is a sign to take up more things to do
14.05.2024- Up almost all night on school day
I beleve in living and existing and learning from EXSPERIENCE in ones individual life. I find habituall acts very lame sometimes and i would notice myself wanting to change those habits to see what would happen and to just do something silly to do it and learn it and experience it.
its a nice and sweet thing i beleve for the mind- to change up some habits or anything once in a while totally. i Used to do this thing were i would try to inplement new kinds of habits into my life in order to se how they would work out; made some schedule and i followed that habit for one month and would see if i enjoyed it or not. I found it to be actually kinda cool and useful to do, since it helped with thinking in new patterns and kids of actions.; and well eh,,, im not so good with "inpmpelemting new habits to try them out" as id like anymore, reason for that is a mixture of unmotivation but with a big bite of forgetfulness. I wonder if theres other pepole that kinds almost stresses about things like this, ive been feeling kinda annoyed at that i havent been outside of my confort zone as much as id like--> like the days bleeds into themselfs.
i noticed this, so i decided to stay up all night before a school day! i found this to be incredibly refreshing because it kinda gave me a certain freedom to just do nothing and play games and waddlee waddle around.. i ended up playing games with an old dear friend and not really remembering what more i did because i was very tiered and chugging a energy drink to stay up- ended up falling asleep almost in a sitting position at 4 and waking up with a sore arm before school 4/10. Oh! i went outside and cleaned teh yard and went to my room and danced. dancing feels and is really refreshing- perhaps i should try to add dancing as a new part of my routine to see how it goes.
Spontaniousness is beatiful, analysis of daily life more and think more mmmm
i find the act of not doing something and regretting it later way more frightful that regretting doing it
10.05.2024-at family
Ive noticed that i cant really seem to think as deeply as i should for myself when i am with others, just moved over to family in sweeden for some days and a funeral. Day was spent thinking about food, going to funeral-wondering wabout what to think about and what to note when i was at the funeral, going for a walk and suddenly feeling lonely and abandoned but quickly got better because of analyzation of my situation, doodling and watching tv with family while doing web stuff ( i also have my notebook in my lap because i want to create stuff in my head..lol). so eh yeah,
ill start width why i was so sad, i looked at a snap group on my phone that is my classgroup because i wondered what messages it had, turns out it was just some listing to some party stuff i wasnt really invitded too (ofc). The feeling of not belonging hurts a lot, when i read that i felt alone and abandoned, why didnt anyone seem to care? seem nto notice? why couldnt i have friends too?, but eh anyhow- i made it better by thinking why and how it ended up like that and how sad and even more hurtful for me to be if i made it a part of me yes its shit to be lonely as your SELF, yes its hurtful to feel like youre missing out, yes the WORST PART OF ALL THAT IS THAT IT FEELS LIKE AS OF THEYRE LIVING MORE THAN YOU. im aware i was throwing salt in the wounds if i cant just let myself try to heal. I have been talking or trying to talk with more pepole on the internett, it feels so refreshing to talk to pepole, rekindeling as if my soul that i had muddied myself got its mud washed away. Pepole are really wonderful, and all this is leaning more torwards theories now than my "blog" wopps... damn,,THEORY: PEPOLES SOULS HAVE EMPTY PITS THEY TRY TO FILL WITH THE SALTY CONCRETE OF HATE INSTEAD OF THE SOFT SOIL OF GROWING PLANTS. yes mb this just came up and yeah its a cool thing to wonder more about.
Funerals are tough, connections werent close at all but still, spent time looking at the beatiful art of angels,the cross and the illuminati symbol (lol)- the clouds were mesmerizing and the traditional songs were nice.
Guess im just nervous again of "wasting time", thoughts about how to scedule and think and dream of are common.
02.05.2024- Helluo
So hello there, after a good while if being annoyed at zonelets because i couldnt make it work for some reason and struggeling with jekyll on github i finally decided to just manually try to code a blog. It would help me more with learning how and why things works anyway.
I try my best about each month to review the old month, and so far last month went kinda bad, i didt really manadge to follow all the things "i wanted to do" but i perhaps thing it couldve been because that i dont really have yet a good system of habits and goals, ive been struggeling (still am) by just figuring out where and what to do. Ive been just busy with "hanging out with my family" and just...trying to prepae things. so yeah, last month honestly felt so unproductive in terms of what ive learnt, ig its undertsandable that ive done little because of how busy ive just been;went to france, had concert and went to fishing trip and sweeden trips.
i wish(will) to try harder when it comes to cultivating my own "self".- arlight that miiight sound kinds cheecky but what i mean is that i kinda want to exspand my conforts and knowledges, and a new thing ive added too is that i want to be more "cultured" lmfao, im very much isolated from pepole my own age lol.
latley the days has been feeling very much less lonely and i just havent felt like ive had the time to feel that and try to inprove. Me and my half sister have had plans to pay sea of theves together when it comes out on ps5, i can tell she proablly looked forward to it, and i have to. i wonder how it will be like the first time i finally get to play with her, im actually just hurrying to write stuff down here to check off that i finally started on a blog on todays "to-do"