Welcome to my blog

(For some reason what i originally wrote got deleted so ill write this again lel)
Wham! Just done with summer camp! Firstly ill have to say a bit about what i felt and thought at the beginning. When i was on the train i was feeling crazy butterflies and exitement. I didnt know anyone there and i felt like i was throwing myself there. I like doing that. Sitting trough a fear or unconfortability. Just this winter when i was going for a scooter trip with my dad in the middle of the night. All i could see was the light in the front of my scooter and the trees to the sides. I started thinking about those "what if" scenarios like what if creepy aliens come and eat me or smth. I was feeling actually afraid and alone then and there, and i forgot my dad was right behind me. Just pure unconfortable fear. I wanted to just turn off my scooter and sit there on the middle of the darkness and bite trough it, but since my dad was behind me i didnt. Shutting up and doing what i fear is a cool quality im trying to always use. Fear shall never steer my life.

Moving on a bit and when im at the summer camp i see multiple interesting people with cool styles. One of them being a girl with long red hair, black glasses and my chemical romance shirt and holding a book. We chatted about art, artchool and we talked a bit about capitalism and how nice it was to just be at home. Like, ever had people be like: "uuurghh well since your home all day and you dont work or study then it must be so boring!" and no! That shit aint boring because there is so much nice stuff to do! I liked it when she said that, because then I got the impression she does a lot of stuff like me. Sadly I didnt get her contact info though, but its fine I think ill see her later. I also met a guy that had driven planes (which i thought was facinating and awesome) and we shared our exitements for learning stuff. I got glad when he said that he liked to just read wikipedia articles. He said he put together a car motor when he was like 9 and he had bought a real nice and big car. I wish I talked more with him. I dindt get to show my yt channel and website and such, but owhell i think ill see him later aswell. I actually did show my yt video to someone because I loved it when she told me that she had a lot of stuff she did and do. When i asked she said writing, knitting, reading- and smth more i guess but i cant remember.
I think that I think stuck with me is how people there kinda saw the world- or felt about the world. Many would hint to (tiktok, i think) actions and how their behaviours were linked to their social interaction (online and irl). For example they would say "girlie" and "slay" and do that tounge thingy. The second leader there i got the inpression of was a great and interesting person which made me pedestralize him (i didnt know him before). And when he said he used to be in a wheelchair with no friends i was suprised but glad. It showed he had buildt and cultivated something great for himself and the people around him. He seemed to have a lot of support around him and warmth. That inspiered me.
Like, it seemed like what i want to be and cultivate wasnt that far away from me at all. I just have to build it slowly and consistently. And i think in my mind i need to integrate this feeling and that deeper sense of care yuknow. Not to always try to do something, but to cultivate a somewhat broader awareness inside my head if that makes sense. Like "oh im awake right now hello world". Its nice to feel as if my mind is like a soft and warm blanket i put on everything around me. And if i put it like this i wont feel too unreasonable guilty for not doing everything i think about doing. Its called patience, i guess.
I was up til night sometimes and chatted with people. One of them was a really skinny and tall guy that was in the process of going trough what i went trough (getting abandoned by friends). He seemed really hurt by it and he seemed glad and suprised he had gotten so many friends around him since he came. I was facinated when he told me he took commisions for people and made 3d models of roleplay figures. He even had made dolls! I tried to make a doll once an dit completely flipped for me. He gave me some nice advice to switch out the clay i use with clay you put in the oven. He was a touchy soft type it seems. Like that kind that has been so hurt that they just crave physical human affection like hugs. The last peron id like to mention was someone that even if they were one year younger than me they had been to a "mental hospital" sereval (very sereval) times! They talked very softly and their eyes seemed to wander off. They had been in multiple organizations that they told me about (which i loved bec im interested in engaging more with the world). It seemed to me it was going upwards for them and that the summer camp was a nice breeze under the wings. But one can never be completely sure. Hope ill see them later on.
I got the contact info for many of the fellow human beings i met that i plan to send some occational meme or message to. Yay.
Moving on till just after summer camp and i ended up sleeping til half 2 in the morning. Maaannn. I didnt even get to eat or do anything till my dad came and asked me to help him drive a tractor (I have never driven a tractor in my life). Too bad the weathers kinda shit though. I wanted to go birdwatching and waddle a bit around in the forest for a good while. I have free from work today and tomorrow so there is a lot i feel like doing. One of them is moving some stuff around in my room because I feel like the way things are fitted for the old me, but the me now want as little things in the way as possible and to find a way to move my pc so that i dont have to crouch down to write because my back hurts now. See ya.

Sitting currently in the car on my wya to my new apartment/or collective apartment because ill be living with bunch of other, new pepole that i havent yet met! I feel so exited and glad to get a material change as well! I have not uptated much on here because it simply feels like i dont really need to, i mean, the last days of my summer holyday has been spent looking at nice cars (at a car convention), fishing salmon (got one!) and helping out at my familys farm- we got very late into cutting hay because of the bad weather. It has been great, i think i have done somehwat my best this summer, altho i have not been tackeling all my lists and lists of things i want to do yet- or little, i have started reading books to simply try them out like humbolts gift (has so sooo many references to other things!), the last empire, three men and a boat and benjamin franklins autoboigrahy. I found some sweet other writings that i wish to tackle as well like ways of seeing and gothic violence. My preferences in music has not changed much but i have listened to a lot of jazz musivs or music i simply would not have listened to, i like it, altho it becomes a bit tiering to listen to at times and i think i do enjoy to have some calm instrumentall jazz when i read or do something else. So yeah! I am ready to start living on my own and to get to controll my own, expserimentalist lifestyle! i am very facinated with websites and well, it feels kinda wierd that i have barley updated this website at all for the whole summer, i mean, surley i would have snickered down a night to fix this up, right? but nope nope! instead now my mentality has shifted a bit compared to how it was when i originally made this, but nevertheless i still wish to try to developp this site, i just stumpeled on a little wall with the confusion to what backgrounds i should add, because now- it looks a bit messy and scrambeled. ps: have i thus enjoyed this time and really chewed it? i feel unsure about it, soomewhat,, have I moved or not? i posted a new yt video, but sadly have not yet gotten any chance of putting some melodies up on neotehr yt nor spotify- witch i should actually perhaps hurry, im focused to now just post my nexst version of my old song on youtube and as my guitar teacher what he thiks of it and uptate him with the plans

So, gonna move out soon, Just today I moved in the first things and got the key to my apartment. It’s kidna nice, I mean, for my standards it’s really nice: two windows, sweet small space and a pretty view. The best of course being that I’m gonna be living with other, new people as well. I will pray go get friends and community here. Anyhow, lately I’ve been away salmon fishing with my dad- he got a couple and I none..tsktsk, typical, I hope nexst time I will get some salmon as well. I cut a deal with some family that they wanted to buy some. And I wish to learn how a fish- especially salmon functions. Since salmons are the best fish of fish, the muscles of the sea. Leaning abt it seems pleasurable to know. Hm. Of course, farm work ain’t gotten better, the rain has come at terrible times but hopefully tomorrow we’ll be able to get newly-cut hay inside I think. Finally, personally I have fallen a little in the ditch; my dad likes having snacks all around when we were fishing, activity has been near 0 and thanks to unhealthy consumption pimples have started to appear (god I hate those fuckers). In any way, I don’t really feel awful about it, I know why I have acted this way and I want to change this around, I know how to change it as well: recently I’ve been having to sleep so so late and getting up early my sleep schedule is pretty messed up and thus i am more fatigued and I’d rather like to focus on my self but oh dman suddenly I have to drive 3 hours away and or go outside to go look for sheep that escaped. I don’t mind much looking like this, but I prefer very much not to look dead upon first meeting pepole. Jazz has been getting my interest more and björk, whilst reading the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin has been nice while I was away.

Got a deal or whatever to make 3 songs to put on spotify and well, even though i still have old songs i have posted on my YT that i feel unsure about. So far ive made a fingerstyle and i want to use my olderst, best song but with some working ons that i wanna do to make it longer and more fluent. Some litteral WEEKS ago i started on a new one, have some...groundwork...but, dissapointingly kinda nothing so far, and i will argue to say its not that well that i spend so much energy and time on it with such small progress. Just today i noticed on my progressions the song felt wierd, unmoving, unjust. Yes it is a sign that i need to put that song or part off for a bit and cool of and put my attention on other things, perhaps i should make days where i play and not- well teh thing is that i dont have time for that(days) . Anyhow, im cooling off, need to and want to work on other things. Currently watching a movie im invested in, its working and im crying is i watch. Im wondering what or how to do stuff, because well, do stuff and build stuff. DO AND BUILD STUFF YEAH. while i work i enjoy to try to think of things of come up with ideas, one idea i like is to perhaps make some photo/writing visua story thing on here, i want to fill it to the brim with things---

Worked six dys in a row and now ill finaly get one day free. I want rest and to focus on my mentality and countinue my buildings.. job takes up so much time- cant sit for sereval hours and concentrate on something.. i dont like that it stops a lot, ive been sleep deprived so i slept a little when i came home today... I finnished my first part on my youtube video, i havent been avle to do much guitar because of the time it takes, but i managed to get some perhaps good idea. I feel inspiered by how the band Totorro plays their guitar, oh the pretty layers! But thats a place where i struggle a bit

Started a new summer job at a grocery store in one of thoe disks that gives fresh salads, meat and fish. Its way lovelier than my last job at a mall. Even though, i dislike that it takes such a good chunk of my free time where i could've used to focus on building stuff. I have to get money anyways though, i dont know how to get solid cash in any better way at this moment and it can at least help me learn to be more efficient and keep some routine. Besides, too, my parents would be "proud". I have to do stuff physically, but it dosent require much brain power and my mentality much. They can control my body but i can control my own mind. While working i can try to focus my thinking on different subjects, to learn to be more conscious off what i think about more, positive building and conscious engagement in my own mind. I have negatives or whatever about the work, but wait, oh hold on, i dont, really. I have the job and i have the days ill work and i will work trough it and when i dont work i will prioritize. I have a different mentality when i work in the store vs when i shop things, its almost two diferent feelings and mentalities. its wonderful like that to engange in a different way. Looking for a place to live when i begin school again, going to drive a while tomorrow after work to a nice building to visit, i look forward to sleep during the ride.

These last few days I’ve been pretty busy. But busy in the sense I am just hanging out with family. Went fishing with my dad, helped out my grandparents, moved to my mother and now I’m sitting on a car after helping someone move back home. I want to actually do something now though. It’s summer holyday and I would like to take some time to do some hobbies and do new stuff- like binging some series or trying out many books or staying up all night and eating junk and doing such stuff even trying to meet a bunch of pepole and making a bedrock Minecraft server I want to make sure I will enjoy and really chew this time now. Seemed like it has been a little tough, it doesn’t feel like I have air to think clearly and I can get frustrated and then I make bad decisions that affects. Tomorrow I will hangout with an old friend of mine, perhaps I will move to Sweden for the weekend as well. I would like to do stuff that I will remember and do build something for myself. Small steps at a time, I am working on not going back into old habits and I find the notion of having a mind very curiously cool. Like oh bruh what the fuck I can decide stuff? I can decide how I will want to preceve this world? well yes! I want to change my views of all kinds of stuff- how’d I do that? Testing shit out ehe, and always writing down ideas. I find the notion of how fantasy can in a way help you understand and appreciate reality more. When I get home it’s going to be late, but it’s not going to be too late: so I want to try out a new genre of reading: fantasy! I haven’t been reading anything really that has lifted my spirits.

I want to get better, i want to inprove, i want to learn and to expslerience way more and way a lot. I wonder where and how far i can take my own mind. How can one really mold their own brain? (wow another thing to try to write about). Ive been kinda busy latley irl and that kinda somewhat stops me from trying to do stuff, and oh god its even june. What should and do i want to really do? am i really doing anything? WHAT IS THERE TO BUILD MAN? i guess the most fundamental one can really build is ones own mind...but how should one do that when there is all these other things? Guess a thing im pretty big on is doing a lot of stuff but then somewhat feeling still stuck,, there is a lot to do and if you find yourself ever super duper terrible bored it is a sign to take up more things to do

I beleve in living and existing and learning from EXSPERIENCE in ones individual life. I find habituall acts very lame sometimes and i would notice myself wanting to change those habits to see what would happen and to just do something silly to do it and learn it and experience it. its a nice and sweet thing i beleve for the mind- to change up some habits or anything once in a while totally. i Used to do this thing were i would try to inplement new kinds of habits into my life in order to se how they would work out; made some schedule and i followed that habit for one month and would see if i enjoyed it or not. I found it to be actually kinda cool and useful to do, since it helped with thinking in new patterns and kids of actions.; and well eh,,, im not so good with "inpmpelemting new habits to try them out" as id like anymore, reason for that is a mixture of unmotivation but with a big bite of forgetfulness. I wonder if theres other pepole that kinds almost stresses about things like this, ive been feeling kinda annoyed at that i havent been outside of my confort zone as much as id like--> like the days bleeds into themselfs. i noticed this, so i decided to stay up all night before a school day! i found this to be incredibly refreshing because it kinda gave me a certain freedom to just do nothing and play games and waddlee waddle around.. i ended up playing games with an old dear friend and not really remembering what more i did because i was very tiered and chugging a energy drink to stay up- ended up falling asleep almost in a sitting position at 4 and waking up with a sore arm before school 4/10. Oh! i went outside and cleaned teh yard and went to my room and danced. dancing feels and is really refreshing- perhaps i should try to add dancing as a new part of my routine to see how it goes. Spontaniousness is beatiful, analysis of daily life more and think more mmmm i find the act of not doing something and regretting it later way more frightful that regretting doing it

Ive noticed that i cant really seem to think as deeply as i should for myself when i am with others, just moved over to family in sweeden for some days and a funeral. Day was spent thinking about food, going to funeral-wondering wabout what to think about and what to note when i was at the funeral, going for a walk and suddenly feeling lonely and abandoned but quickly got better because of analyzation of my situation, doodling and watching tv with family while doing web stuff ( i also have my notebook in my lap because i want to create stuff in my head..lol). so eh yeah, ill start width why i was so sad, i looked at a snap group on my phone that is my classgroup because i wondered what messages it had, turns out it was just some listing to some party stuff i wasnt really invitded too (ofc). The feeling of not belonging hurts a lot, when i read that i felt alone and abandoned, why didnt anyone seem to care? seem nto notice? why couldnt i have friends too?, but eh anyhow- i made it better by thinking why and how it ended up like that and how sad and even more hurtful for me to be if i made it a part of me yes its shit to be lonely as your SELF, yes its hurtful to feel like youre missing out, yes the WORST PART OF ALL THAT IS THAT IT FEELS LIKE AS OF THEYRE LIVING MORE THAN YOU. im aware i was throwing salt in the wounds if i cant just let myself try to heal. I have been talking or trying to talk with more pepole on the internett, it feels so refreshing to talk to pepole, rekindeling as if my soul that i had muddied myself got its mud washed away. Pepole are really wonderful, and all this is leaning more torwards theories now than my "blog" wopps... damn,,THEORY: PEPOLES SOULS HAVE EMPTY PITS THEY TRY TO FILL WITH THE SALTY CONCRETE OF HATE INSTEAD OF THE SOFT SOIL OF GROWING PLANTS. yes mb this just came up and yeah its a cool thing to wonder more about. Funerals are tough, connections werent close at all but still, spent time looking at the beatiful art of angels,the cross and the illuminati symbol (lol)- the clouds were mesmerizing and the traditional songs were nice. Guess im just nervous again of "wasting time", thoughts about how to scedule and think and dream of are common.

So hello there, after a good while if being annoyed at zonelets because i couldnt make it work for some reason and struggeling with jekyll on github i finally decided to just manually try to code a blog. It would help me more with learning how and why things works anyway. I try my best about each month to review the old month, and so far last month went kinda bad, i didt really manadge to follow all the things "i wanted to do" but i perhaps thing it couldve been because that i dont really have yet a good system of habits and goals, ive been struggeling (still am) by just figuring out where and what to do. Ive been just busy with "hanging out with my family" and just...trying to prepae things. so yeah, last month honestly felt so unproductive in terms of what ive learnt, ig its undertsandable that ive done little because of how busy ive just been;went to france, had concert and went to fishing trip and sweeden trips. i wish(will) to try harder when it comes to cultivating my own "self".- arlight that miiight sound kinds cheecky but what i mean is that i kinda want to exspand my conforts and knowledges, and a new thing ive added too is that i want to be more "cultured" lmfao, im very much isolated from pepole my own age lol. latley the days has been feeling very much less lonely and i just havent felt like ive had the time to feel that and try to inprove. Me and my half sister have had plans to pay sea of theves together when it comes out on ps5, i can tell she proablly looked forward to it, and i have to. i wonder how it will be like the first time i finally get to play with her, im actually just hurrying to write stuff down here to check off that i finally started on a blog on todays "to-do"